So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
You Might Also Like
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest