I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
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‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died