trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
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Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Put this video in the Louvre
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense