This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
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PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
what’s really going on