As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
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COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
It has been 3 years since Monday.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD