Word!
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HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
oh my god
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Basically.