Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
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Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Peter Parker Peter Driver
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]