Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
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me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.