YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
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john wicks are toilet candles
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
saw this in a dream
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it