Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
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“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
How dramatic are you?
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.