If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
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When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
I like donuts.
Twitter:
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party