him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
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Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
hi why am I like this
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…