I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
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I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
I’ll be mad as hell!
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.