Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
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ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
You learn something every day
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
shampoo implies shampee
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
opening a flower shop called women in stem
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.