Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
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ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Saint West, the patron of selfies
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.