I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
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Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid