colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
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I feel like one of these would kill a European
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.