absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
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If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.