Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
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When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe