You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
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picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”