Said the murderer.
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Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Saw online –
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted