me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
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I want to know about the Oreo incident…
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards