“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
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To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Terribly Tuesday.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
This is my brand.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.