The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
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he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
You have been warned.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else