Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
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[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
âIf decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thingâ
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I donât really need.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
#NoRestForTheWicked
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
King: For the last time, whatâs your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. đ¨đŞđ¨đ¨đđŚ
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: Itâs so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
People say âbullshitâ like their shit is so high and mighty.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
I donât think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentineâs Day are about to expire.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.