I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
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*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”