What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
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Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Never forget.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
sugar glider wrangler
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.