Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
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Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.