When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
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Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.