Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
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[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us