Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
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Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.