I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
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Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.