Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
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How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
This made me smile…
Y’all know who you are.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force