There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
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Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
WHY would you be happy about this?
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait