WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
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My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it