The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
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ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Welcome
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
I think we should hear other voices.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me