Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
You Might Also Like
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.