Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
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Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
No regrets in 2018
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
same energy
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
*jingles half the way*
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?