When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
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A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.