I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
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My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”