Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
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A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
want me to check your oil?
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
“you changed” bro i was 15
When you don’t understand how floors work
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running