*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
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If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough