Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
You Might Also Like
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
This is Sparta
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that