My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
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Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.