Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
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Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
decorating my apartment
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv