Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
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Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
So many pants.
So little yoga.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.