“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
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My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
58.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Me too door. Me too.