ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
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A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
The news in a nutshell.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*