Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
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When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.