Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
You Might Also Like
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Did…did a minotaur write this
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.